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“When you teach your son, you teach your son’s son.” –The Talmud

So, I had a dad…I wish I still had a dad. But, it seems his time was done on this Earth. As I am sure you have gathered by reading this series. Part of my grieving process is reflecting on his time here. What he did, what it meant, how it impacted me, and, what, if anything, did it teach me, leave me, or obligate me to carry on and further something bigger than me, bigger than him. What is my true inheritance?

I am still figuring all that out. This writing and sharing, is part of my process of mourning. I do feel that there is something for me to do. Something new, a new direction; under the sadness I feel a new motivation to push on harder. A new desire to be better and do better. A new inspiration to carry forward what he has helped teach me. A deeper need to release my passion and to share what I have been working on for some time. The itch is stronger and needs to be scratched.

I feel the need, the calling to write beyond personal therapy and journaling. Yes, I have been working on paving this path for quite some time but his departure has pushed me to, once again, connect the dots…

From thinking to acting…
From talking to doing…
From journaling to writing…
From keeping to sharing…
From healing to teaching…

As I conclude this series I want to make very clear. I am by no means trying to make my dad out to be any better than he was. I have not intended to make him into saint-like figure nor take anything away from all the other great teachers in my life…My mom, my grandparents, uncles, aunts, mentors, school teachers, etc. But he is the one I recently lost.

Of course, he was not the next Messiah. He was human, he fumbled, he fell down, he made mistakes, yet he always got back up. Why? I think because he had a calling, and a duty to help others and show them a better way.

He loved his people; the alcoholics. He wanted to help them “recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body.” Why? Because in doing so he helped himself. Because in doing so he spread a message of hope. Through his compassion, gratitude, service and genuine love for his fellow man, alcoholic or not, he freely helped others.

Why? Because he was driven to break the chain that perpetuated the cycle of alcoholism and negativity. He was called break the cycle of absent, missing, dead beat dads; alcoholic fathers that were never there.

Why? Because he had gift to walk with gratitude, to listen with compassion, and to help others in need.

Why? Because someone before him freely taught this to him. Because the ones before us help us be better. Because the lessons we teach help the next ones do better. So my dad wasn’t a saint, a martyr, or a messiah. He was just another man, a dad and a husband who helped where and when he could.

Why?  Because he loved his people; the alcoholic that still suffered. Because he loved his family; his wife, his kids, his brothers. Because when the chains are broken, lasting change can follow.

 Change like a present dad. He might not have had some fancy title, but he was my dad, and a great one at that. I share all this to begin healing from my loss with the hope that one day my experience will help another.

Thank for joining me on this journey. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope it helped you as much as it did me.

Wait, why isn’t it ending? What’s going on here? It’s just keeps going but I don’t hear anything…the music stopped but the tape is still running…

Ooohhh! There must be a special secret track on the B-side!…

Talk Soon,
Kevin W @LEAP272
Owner-Operator

You have to leap if you want to live

“Father of fathers, make me one,
A fit example for a son.”

–Douglas Malloch

The previous three parts of this series I focused on three different principles. Each part dedicated to one of the single principles; compassion, gratitude, and service. Are these the three greatest things my dad taught me? Are these the only things my dad taught me? Of course not.

I structured it like this and chose these topics for several reasons. First of all, they are universal principles. As I process the death of my dad it is important for me to reflect. It is important for me to really look at what he did for me. What he left for me. Not because I question him as a dad and what he did for me, but so I can understand the bigger picture, what he did do on a deeper level.

Perhaps it’s just some deep human need to answer the questions why and discover the reason things happen.  Perhaps to try and make sense of it all because it helps ease the pain to realize that there is some deeper meaning for it all. Perhaps discovering the answer will make everything better and give more meaning and purpose to my life.

Secondly, as I alluded to in the beginning of this series my processing involved a lot of questions…

What is my role now?
What is my responsibility now?
Do I even have a responsibility?
Did his life prepare me for something bigger?
Did his life provide me with something to carry forward?
Did his passing place the torch in my hand?

Writing this series helped me to reflect on and answer some of these questions. So as I reflect and process I have to consider what his message was and what his purpose was.  Outside of our family circle, I understand that he was simply a teacher and a messenger sharing a universal message of hope. He didn’t create the principle.  He didn’t create the lessons he taught me. He just became an example how to apply them.

And finally, because these are three lessons I needed to learn. I have shared about my selfish, self-centered nature. These principles do not thrive within such an operating system. So, these three great lessons help me become a better person. They help me become more selfless. They help me be better and do better. And I hope to carry that torch and practice the lessons in my remaining days with the chance that I too can pass them to those who cross my path.

So then, have I now come to the end my friend? Is that what you are asking? The answer is no. Why? Because at the end of the day, or a lifetime, what is a dad’s true role? What is a dad’s responsibility to his children? To his son? Beyond providing the basics for survival; food, shelter, and protection. Shouldn’t the responsibility of a dad to a son be to teach him how to be a man? To teach him and show him, what it means to be a man? I don’t want jump down the rabbit hole and to flesh out a debate on what it means to be a man, I just want to share what I learned from my dad.

First and foremost, I learned that it’s not about being the bigger and the badder or rougher and tougher. It’s not who can fight better, win more, or make more. None of that makes you any more of a man.

What it means to be a man is to suit up and show. Be responsible, be accountable, and be honest. Do what you say and say what you mean. Lead by example and walk your talk. And, if you fall down on that walk, don’t worry; It’s ok to make mistakes. Don’t sweat the little things just Get up and dust yourself off. Learn and try harder next time. And if trying harder lands you in fourth place? Don’t expect a trophy! There are only three spots at the podium, no participation award. If you didn’t make it, work harder & keep trying to do better.

Maybe the greatest lesson of being a man that my dad taught me is this; real men don’t eat quiche! OK, just kidding, it’s How to be a husband.

Did you think I was going to say how to be a dad? Makes sense if you did, but let tell you why that is number two; if I didn’t learn to be a good husband I might have never become a dad. Sure, I might have become a father, but probably not a dad.

I still feel there is more to process here. Why don’t we meet again?

Stay tuned…

Talk Soon,
Kevin W @LEAP272
Owner-Operator

You have to leap if you want to live

“If there is any immortality to be had among us human beings, it is certainly only in the love that we leave behind. Fathers like mine don’t ever die.” –Leo Buscaglia

Here we are again. I Hope you have enjoyed this series so far. The writing of it has been bitter sweet. I do enjoy writing and it is a form of release and It is therapeutic and rewarding but it can also be painful, especially a topic such as this. It’s not easy to write about your recently deceased dad. Conjuring memories and madness, but again, it does help with the grieving process.

I only have one dad, so this is a first for me. I am told that it never goes away, it just gets easier. I sure hope so! Gets easier that is. If it went away then I might think there is something wrong with me and that maybe my dad wasn’t all that great after all.

What do I mean by that? First let me tell you what I don’t mean. That is that he will live on in our hearts. He will always be available to talk to him whenever I need him. I can visit him any time I want, just close my eyes and visualize it. You know the cheesy things people say in an effort to comfort and console. Maybe it’s all true, I actually hope it is.

What I really mean is, however, that if it all goes away; the pain, the memories, the sadness, and the madness, then what did he leave me? What did he teach me? What was his legacy? The things I have been discussing previously?

Yes. The life lessons he taught me; Compassion, gratitude, and service. These are the principles he taught me. How to practice them is what he left me. How to use them to do and be better is his legacy. Practicing them to the best of my ability is one way I can honor him.

So the question is, am I doing that? Have I learned his lessons? Am I honoring my dad? Am I maintaining his legacy? Isn’t this what any son truly wants? To make his dad proud? To be all he can be in the eyes of his dad?

I do know my dad was proud of me. He told me so. I asked him on his death bed. I needed to know this so I asked. My dear friend who had already lost his dad told me to make sure there is nothing left unsaid. Make sure you are good and free, no regrets, no questions. I did that. No regrets.

The question then becomes am I honoring him? Am I honoring and carrying on his legacy? At the time I am writing this it is hard to answer that. It is all so fresh, barely over a month and I am still in the initial grieving phase. Besides, what I have been taught by both my parents is that life is a classroom, and I have a lot a life to live. In other words, I have a lot to learn still.

They also taught that all I can do is my best. So what I can say is that if I get up each day try to practice what I have learned and try to do and be better today than I was yesterday, then I will be honoring my dad and his legacy.

The best chance I have at dong that is connecting the dots he left; connecting the lessons, connecting the principles and implementing them. Because compassion, gratitude, and service are powerful individually but connected and practiced together, they are amazing. I know because I have seen it in action.

By trying my best to do that others will see that and hopefully learn to connect the dots themselves and I will be honoring my dad’s legacy and creating my own. Each generation strives to improve upon the previous and break the negative cycles and strive to do and be better. My hope is I can do for my children what my dad did for me.

I hope I can be a teacher and an example of how to live and walk my talk. I hope I am more than just a father. I hope I am a dad of dads. I hope I can help them connect the dots.

My hope is that I can do that for you as well. If all this series does for you is help make your grieving easier, I will have succeeded. Anything else is just a bonus!

Wow, that sounds a bit like conclusion. It’s not, just the end of the big three I wanted to talk about. I mean if my dad only taught me three things all these years well then, I might have more questions for him.

So, don’t go anywhere just yet, there’s more coming.

Talk Soon,
Kevin W @LEAP272
Owner-Operator

You have to leap if you want to live

“If the past cannot teach the present, and the father cannot teach the son, then history need not have bothered to go on, and the world has wasted a great deal of time.” –Russell Hoban

Welcome back and thanks for sticking around. I understand this series is a bit of a departure. However, I always try to stay real and write what I’m inspired to write. I believe if I have an itch I need to scratch it. If I’m inspired to write about something, I write about it.

I understand this topic might create a twinge, a pang, a pain and I hope that means you need to read it. If nothing else, I is therapeutic for me and part of my grieving process. But I hope It adds some form of value or service to you. And look at that! Service is the topic of the day!

Service? WTF, right? Who wants talk about service, let alone how to be of service for others? Can you relate to that? That was my attitude for a long time. It was just the way my selfish, self-centered self operated. It was all about me and I simply did not give consideration otherwise. I seemed to be wired to focus all on me and what’s in it for me. So, thinking of being of service to others just wasn’t part of my consciousness.

Don’t get me wrong, I was not some uncaring, selfish jerk that treated people poorly who sought the rewards at any cost, stepping on the backs of my fellows. Although, I did have my moments, I simply did not know another way. Let me be clear that it was not for lack of examples in my life because I had plenty. But again, the lessons and principles just took longer to click for me.

I am sure you have already guessed that the featured example in this part Is none other than dear old dad. That’s why I love you guys, you’re so smart, it makes me feel smart!

As a young boy I remember my dad helping others. He would pick up scary, (and smelly), characters on the road and give them rides. He would take someone off the street and offer help; A meal, a shower, a talk, maybe even a seat at our dinner table.

There were several times I recall shopping with him and he would tell the cashier at the grocery store that he was paying for the guy behind us. When I asked why he did that, he would simply say because they need it more than we do.

He would give money to a family to buy toys at Christmas. When I asked why, he would simply say because they need it more than we do.

At some point in time the scary (and smelly) characters didn’t come to our house as much. I found out that my mom told my dad he had to help them outside because she was not comfortable with them in our house with small children. But our house was always filled with people, especially during holidays. There were more people at our table that were not family than there were family.

As I grew up I realized that all these people. All these strangers were family. They were part of our extended family. They were people who needed help. They were people who needed a safe place to be during the holidays. People who needed to feel loved. People who needed what my dad (and mom) so freely gave.

That is just a slight glimpse in to the lesson of service I learned from watching and listening. I didn’t always understand why at first, but little by little it would sink in, again, preparing me to connect the dots when the time came for me to be of service.

What I learned was what true service is; the act of giving while expecting nothing in return. Giving to give and help another. It doesn’t have to be money or things; it can be anything that fills a need, and even a want of another. It’s as simple as opening a door for another person and letting them enter first. Or allowing, wait for it, another car to merge instead of speeding up to close the gap. It can even be as simple as smiling at a stranger when walking your dog in the park.

These may seem like little things but little things add up and they grow up to be big things. The more we do these little “things” of service the more our spirit of service grows. When our spirit of service grows bigger It begins to be part of our nature. When our nature integrates the component of service others see that, and when the time comes for them to be of service they too connect the dots.

What’s more powerful than connecting the dots of service? How about the connection of compassion, gratitude, and service? What do all these individual principles mean?

Stay tuned.

Talk Soon,
Kevin W @LEAP272
Owner-Operator

You have to leap if you want to live

“Every father should remember one day his son will follow his example, not his advice.” –Charles Kettering

Last time we discussed compassion and I learned much of what that meant from my dad. This time I want to discuss gratitude. This is another principle I learned quite a bit from my dad. Aren’t you excited? Gratitude, blah, blah, blah…

Why do so many people have distaste for gratitude? Or at least, discussing gratitude? I can’t speak for everyone but for me there were two main factors that led to my distaste for the word gratitude. The first being that I was told too often to be grateful. Be grateful for this, be grateful for that, and just be grateful. Secondly, at the same time, I would hear people say those things, yet would appear ungrateful to me. It just seemed hypocritical to me hearing people say that they are grateful for this and grateful for that yet complaining all the time. More importantly their behaviors portray a very different impression.

So, I missed the deeper, meaning of what gratitude truly means. It was a buzz word, a fluff word, a great principle to discuss in theory yet one of those things eternally strived for but never attained, like balance.

Bullshit!                                                                         

I just didn’t get it or I was just too self-centered to apply it. Whatever the case, the lesson finally clicked when I realized that gratitude is not just a principle to philosophize about, It is a principle to live by and apply in daily life. Meaning it truly is an action word.

Let’s see what the dictionary says about that (yes, I like dictionaries).

Gratitude, noun: the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness.

Okay, so it’s a noun, but it’s an active noun. It’s a noun because it a “quality”, a “readiness.” A  readiness for what? “To SHOW appreciation for and to RETURN kindness…” That sounds pretty active to me.

The bottom line is this; I didn’t understand gratitude because I wasn’t grateful myself. Not simply because I was a selfish and self-centered jerk, although that was part of it, I also simply did not understand the true meaning of it. I didn’t understand that my actions are what really made me a grateful person, or ungrateful, person.

I could say that I’m grateful all day long, but if my behavior doesn’t support that, then I’m simply providing lip service, talking out of the side of my neck. It took me quite while to connect the dots on this and truly grasp the full meaning. Who was one of my greatest teachers on the subject you ask? You got it, my dad (my parents really). Like the rest of this series, I am focusing on my dad here.

Was he grateful all the time? Of course not, but through my life I watched him live life with an appreciation for it and what he had. He was not happy, joyous, and full of life at all times, but he didn’t disrespect, belittle, or talk down about the things or people in his life. He was grateful for his life and his actions showed it. He was grateful for what others did for him in his life so he in turn helped others in need; both directly and indirectly.

He taught me by example, not by lecturing me or shoving in down my throat. I watched and listened over the years, taking it all in, most of which I never gave a second thought to until I needed the lessons, the wisdom, and the help. Then and only then did I connect the dots and begin to understand what that funny word meant.

It clicked. It made sense. I began to understand what it truly means to be grateful. I understood that saying I am grateful is meaningless unless I back it up with action; showing appreciation and returning kindness. In other words, walking my talk. Showing others I appreciate them, my life, and my things by appreciating them, respecting them, and being kind to them.

Through much of the first half of my life I wanted more. I wanted more of this and more of that; money, happiness, toys, free time, ad infinitum. But I didn’t get it, at least none that lasted. Why? Because I wasn’t grateful. I didn’t truly appreciate what I did have. I didn’t appreciate how I got it whether I was given it, earned it, created it, found it, or even if I stole it,  I just took it and wanted more. Nothing was enough.

Until I got tired of the wanting more, or losing what I had.
Until I started appreciating what I had and had to do to get it.
Until I started appreciating those who gave it.
Until I was ready to become truly grateful.
Then things started to click…

More “aha” moments. Thank you dad!

Next time I’ll talk about one more important lesson my dad taught me.
Stay Tuned.

Talk Soon,
Kevin W @LEAP272
Owner-Operator

You have to leap if you want to live

“One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters.” –George Herbert

Remember where we left off last time? I ask this often because I myself tend to forget. My thoughts come and go so fast I can forget what we were discussing five minutes ago! I do remember last time however. I closed with the following questions..

What did my dad do?
Why did I proclaim he was the dads of dads?

So, I already discussed the basics. The “fatherly” duties, for the ones that are around that are to provide the food, the clothing, the shelter, the protection, etc. The basics to ensure the offspring survive.

What made him a great dad? There are so many things that he did for me and that he taught me It is hard to try and focus it all and put it into words. It is especially hard to do now that he is gone. There is so much reflection happening right now. There are so many emotions and so many memories. There are things I had forgotten or didn’t even realize until now, discovered in moments of reflections or conversations with family.  An old picture jogs a memory from what seems a lifetime ago. It reminds me of something he did or said and I realize at that moment he was teaching me something.

So, I will probably break this part of the series up into a few topics. In this one I will focus on compassion. I must address two things before I continue, however. Number one, I must again reiterate that my parents were partners. They were a team and, for the most part, worked together. They worked together to raise us and teach us they best they could. I am focusing on my dad now because of his death.

Number two, I want to look at the meaning of compassion. Here are a couple definitions.

Compassion: noun
Oxford:
Sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others.

Merriam-Webster:
sympathetic consciousness of others’ distress together with a desire to alleviate it

Similar definitions from these two dictionaries but I prefer the latter. I also think that it describes my dad better. If you knew him, watched him, or heard him speak, you could see he had a need and a desire to help people that hurt, especially, alcoholics and addicts.

At an early age I was often a witness to my dad helping others. Helping people that appeared to me were less fortunate. When I was young, I didn’t quite grasp the totality of it all. I knew right from wrong, for the most part and I knew when you did something nice you got the warm fuzzies, but I didn’t grasp the need or desire part of the definition above. That is what struck me most when I look back and reflect. The desire and need he seemed to have to help others and alleviate their distress. I just didn’t get it when I was young but the seed was planted.

Those with kids understand far too well the ultimate youthful question; “WHY?” I do remember asking why in some of these situations, although I do not recall the precise answers or if he even stated that it was the right thing to do, but I did get that impression or feeling.

So, I was a wonderfully giving and compassionate child, right? Ha! No I was quite the opposite. I was a child; selfish and self-centered. Of course, I cared for others, and I didn’t want to see people hurt and I was kind and considerate, sometimes at least, but I was a child. I think the former is simply part of a child’s nature. I do think we have the gifts like compassion in us already, but it takes a teacher and experience to foster and cultivate them in order to develop them and really bring them out.

That is what my dad was, a teacher. In this case he taught me compassion. I didn’t always get the lesson right away, or for decades, perhaps, but he was always teaching whether intentionally or not He truly practiced what he preached and walked his talk. The greatest part of that is he stumbled and fell as well and didn’t hide it; a great teacher indeed. He provided the lessons, the knowledge, and the examples and it was there for my taking and application when I was ready.

Now I have had many teachers of compassion over the years. I was given lesson after lesson by the examples of others throughout my life. The knowledge was now there for the taking once I was ready. Isn’t that how education works? We are filled with all kinds of knowledge and information. Sometimes we put it to work right away and other times we file it somewhere in the dusty corners of our brain. At some point down the road it rises from the depths, we have those “Aha moments” and we put it to use.

For the teachers.
For the aha moments.
The lesson of compassion.
I am grateful!

That is a good topic, and another principle I learned from my dad.

Let’s talk about that next time.

Talk Soon,
Kevin W @LEAP272
Owner-Operator

You have to leap if you want to live

“Any man can be a Father it takes someone special to be a Dad.” – Anonymous

Last time I ended with my dad’s fatherly duties and closed with…”And yet, he did so much more…”

So what does that mean and what exactly did he do? The bottom line is anyone can be a father. Anyone man with working parts that is. But not every father can be a dad. Of course, this then begs the question, “what is a dad?” Or,  “what does it mean to be a dad?” Upon answering, or attempting to answer these questions It will inevitably conjure more questions, especially, “How to be a dad?” The question of HOW can lead the discussion in so many directions. For the sake of context and brevity, I will stick to the “whats” for this piece. Maybe the process of answering the “whats” will inspire a piece on the “whys” but for now, let’s answer the “whats. “

Let me start by looking at some definitions from a couple dictionaries.

FATHER
Merriam-Webster:

Father noun:

(1): a male parent

(2): a man who has begotten a child also: a male animal who has sired an offspring

Urban Dictionary

(1): a man in relation to his natural child or children.

(2): The man who raises you as his own feeding and teaching you.

DAD
Merriam-Webster:

(1): dad noun: a male parent: father sense

Urban Dictionary

 (1): A father who his child can rely on. He hugs and jokes and treats his family with respect, caring for the child, making sure that they want to live and keep them from harm from others and their selves. He listens to his child, he cares for their interests and never laughs at their mistakes. He understands his child’s dream and ambitions and would go out of his way to help them reach this. He never puts money at a higher importance, and knows that he cannot buy love. Above all, he will not hurt his daughter.

(2): The true man in your life that is there for you. Your Dad may also be your Father but your Father may not be your Dad. Your Dad loves you, comforts you, supports you and helps you. Your Dad is someone that you should be able to respect (even if at times you don’t show it).

Wow! The Urban Dictionary has quite a definition. Obviously, a traditional dictionary is very literal as seen in the first definition. Simple and literal – a dad is the male parent of a child. That is literally correct, isn’t it? But meaning goes beyond definition. Meaning elevates to a different level, a deeper level.

Now look at the definitions from the Urban Dictionary. Each definition for dad is a paragraph! The “male parent” aspect is not even addressed in definition 1. These definitions describe more what it means to be a dad. Now, instead of dissecting all the above, I will just jump in what it means to me.

At the most basic level, I believe that a dad must be invested. There must be a larger investment than his swimmers that swam to the egg. That investment includes emotions, time, and effort, just to name a few. For me, it boils down to this very simple working definition or meaning…

A dad is a man that is fully invested in his child’s life.

I know, I hear you. What does it mean to be “fully invested?” I define it as being all in – mind, body, and spirit. A dad is emotionally, physically, and spiritually invested. They are present and participate in their child’s life. Does this mean that if one does not or cannot do this they are a bad dad? Absolutely not!

For the sake of this meaning, I proclaim there is no bad dad. The meaning of dad, for me, is intrinsically good. Therefore, there is no bad dad because in order to be a dad you have to be good. Are all dads created equal? Of course not, so some dads are better than others.

We men don’t just father a child and instantly become great dads. Sure there are naturals, but there’s a learning curve. We try our best, we make mistakes but we learn and grow. We have good days and we have bad days. Sometimes we are all in some areas and not in others but we strive to be better and do better. We strive to find the balance in each area and be THERE for our child. That is the difference. A dad is there for his child and that is what makes a dad a dad.

So, what a does a dad do?
When their child asks, he teaches…
When their child needs, he provides…
When their child wants, he tries…
When their child fears, he comforts…
When their child laughs, they laugh…
When their child cries, they cry…
When their child hurts, they hurt…
When their child plays, he plays…
When their son becomes a father…
He shows him how to be a dad.

So, what did my dad do? Why did I proclaim him as the dad of dads? Let’s hit that question next time.

Talk Soon,
Kevin W @LEAP272
Owner-Operator

You have to leap if you want to live

“One of the greatest things a father can do for his children is to love their mother.” –Howard W. Hunter

In the last part of this series I left to go reflect. As I write this, it has not even been a month since I lost my dad (as I post and polish it up, it has been just over a year). As you can imagine, I have been reflecting a lot. Reflecting on my dad, on my life. Reflecting on what he did for me and our family. And, for those around us – ones we called friends, our extended family, as well as people unknown, strangers.

In short, I have been going through the grieving process. My grieving process; crying, laughing, sleeping, eating, blaming, asking, yelling, screaming, denying, accepting, honoring, and mourning. You name it, I seem to be doing it.

Why is that? Because he was a good dad, much more than a father. Any man with working parts can be a father but not every father can be a dad. Mine, he was a dad – the dad of dads. I told my mom it would be so much easier if he was a jerk. A deadbeat dad that no one liked. But, he was a good dad, and for that I am glad. What he gave to me in my life is a priceless gift, far outweighing the temporary sadness of loss.

So what did he give? Words cannot communicate that exactly but I will do my best and share what I can. But know that perhaps the greatest gift was his permission and support to just be me.

At this point I must interject to confirm a very important point. Much is being said about my dad, of course because he is the deceased, however my mom is as much to praise. They were a parental unit, a partnership. A team, providing a win for us all. Married for nearly fifty seven years. That is a gift in itself to all who witnessed.

After all, if that were all I received would that be enough for a lifetime? The example, the lesson, the living how to manual of a successful married life with happy, healthy children? Most definitely, but there’s so much more. As I have wound down a different path on this than I intended. I will just focus on the basics I pondered at the close of the previous part and save the rest for next time.

So what did my father give to me, to us? He did what the father does in the traditional sense, he provided food, clothing, shelter, protection, foundation, and security. In short, he took care of his family. We had all we needed and most of what we wanted. We were happy and healthy. We were sad and mad. We were funny and angry. We were perfectly imperfect!

And yet, he did so much more…

Talk Soon,
Kevin W @LEAP272
Owner-Operator

You have to leap if you want to live

“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.”- Soren Kierkegaard

So I’ve been thinking…I know, those are not always the best words to hear right?
“Maybe we should just be friends”
“That you are just not quite cut out for this job”
“You don’t have the skills needed to make the team”
“That…”

But, I’ve been thinking because I left off last time saying I had some thinking to do. I like to do what I say I’m going to do. I had presented questions about my new “role”. My new position in the hierarchy of the family. The role of the head of the family. That sounds so old world. Like I have turned back time a few decades or centuries or I have inherited the seat as boss of a crime family.

I am simply saying that I am now the eldest male in the family. I realize it’s 2019 as I write this, but these thoughts are taking up space in my head. Does this mean anything? Is there a “role” and a “responsibility”? Why do these thoughts even come up in such an advanced society? Maybe it’s simply part of the male chemistry, woven into the fabric of the male DNA. An intrinsic component of our natural instincts.

Then again, maybe it’s just part of my grieving process. Whatever the reason, they are there and I need to ask and answer…

Am I to be the rock, the foundation, the protector, the provider, the strong, and the courageous? Or am I just over thinking everything?

I guess I just don’t know. Am I even allowed to say that now? Aren’t I now supposed to be the one who knows? The one with the answers? The man with the plan? Well, I did say it, and I don’t know, because I have never lost my dad before. Maybe I have lost my dad in some sense in the past, but that can be a story for another time.

Maybe I am just over thinking it. Maybe it really doesn’t mean anything at all. Except that I no longer have a dad. My two sisters and I are adults and they are older, after all.  We are on our own and independent. I am married with kids of my own. But for whatever reason, I just can’t shake these thoughts. Maybe it a defense mechanism to mitigate the grief. Maybe it’s reaching for significance. Maybe it’s because we had such strong family unit. Maybe it’s because he did so much for us and I just want to do the same.

For now, maybe the best way to start is to simply reflect. Remember what his role was in our family. Remember what he did for us. Remember what he did for me and just…
Remember…
Him.

I guess I have some reflecting to do…

Talk Soon,
Kevin W @LEAP272
Owner-Operator

You have to leap if you want to live

“With great power comes great responsibility”- Uncle Ben

Last time I shared my last hours with my dad. How finally acknowledging the truth set us both free. I was free to face reality. This allowed me to make sure all was said. All that should and needed to be said. All that allowed me to free myself. Free myself of any guilt, questions, fears…Free myself of anything I might later regret, and leaving nothing unsaid or undone. In doing so I freed my dad as well.

His time here had come to and end. A job well done. Earning the freedom to move on. To escape the confines of his physical restraints in this life. Who am I to decide it’s not his time? I am just his son who selfishly wants him to stay. But what is a son without a father, after all?

A good son is one who confirms a job well done. Let’s him know, “I’m OK, your job is done, I’ll take it from here”

Having those thoughts, speaking those words, creates a whole new level of reality. A reality, that in a matter of moments I had become the patriarch of our little clan.

As I write this, I have been married for almost two decades. I have been a father for over sixteen years. So, being in that type of role isn’t new. It’s the shock that my role as a father’s son, My position as the second in command has been terminated. I have now become the eldest male in our family. I have gone from the baby to the oldest male as my father took his last breath.

I must now take the reins and carry the torch. I must now guide through darkness and light. Whether I am scared or not. Whether I believe I can or not. Whether I want to or not. I now have a responsibility. I have a new role. I have been promoted to a new position. I have inherited the throne!

As it is said, with great power comes great responsibility. Suddenly, the responsibility seems overwhelming. How can I follow in his footsteps? Those are big shoes to fill. Literally, I went through his closet, they don’t fit! They are too big. Is this too big? What am I to do? Where do I go from here? What exactly is my role? What exactly is my responsibility? What exactly did my father do as the eldest male?

I have some thinking to do…..

Talk Soon,
Kevin W @LEAP272
Owner-Operator

You have to leap if you want to live