The real question is, can I go the distance? The cliché is true; life is a marathon, not a sprint. Can I maintain a positive pace of no judgment where I truly do not care what you think of me? Can I maintain a head space free of judgment toward myself and others? Probably not.
Why? Because I am human. I am imperfect. Perfectly imperfect as my mom says. I am in a constant race to get ahead of the competition. Constantly finding the path of least resistance in order to out do, out pace, and out last so I can cross the finish line first. Therein lies the foundation for my judgment.
I am surrounded by everyone else in the race. When I’m falling behind it’s easier to look outward and judge others than look at myself. Accountability is no fun. If I look at myself, I might see something I don’t want to see. It’s easier to say “Look at that one with the fancy shoes and matching outfit, what a clown.” “Look at him, he runs like a chicken.” It’s easier to say, “These shoes are slowing me down.” When I am passing people it’s easy to pat myself on the back to inflate my ego. Most of the time I am constantly racing to find the happy place. When I feel less than or judged, I do not feel happy. Projecting that back on you lifts me up and propels me closer to my happy place, or so I thought.
The reality is that most of what I judge you for is the very things I dislike in myself. Although, oftentimes I don’t even realize it, mirrors do a great job of reflecting the image of a stranger. The people that bother me and bottleneck my race are the mirrors displaying all the things I need to work on. Of course, I’d rather not admit that, it’s much easier to just judge you. Until it isn’t.
At this point in the race I have crossed the halfway marker. I am inside the final half of my journey. I have learned through the process that the more you do something the easier it becomes. I have found this equally true for both positive and negatives behaviors. The more I judged, the easier it became. Eventually that judgment becomes a natural behavior that no longer requires rationalization or justification. It simply becomes a seamless part of my standard behavioral patterns.
Until you find yourself alone in the race. There are no more competitors. No more mirrors. No more people to judge, or blame except for yourself. You stand alone. The only way back is to dig deep and see where you went wrong. Implement change and correct course. This half of the race is all about fine tuning, honing, and perfecting what has been learned. Suddenly the mirrors reappear and on the good days, the person looking back is not a stranger, it is exactly who you strive to be.
I really do still prefer to socially distance myself and limit my outside world interactions. As I shared in the previous part, it’s not because I am a jerk. I am just more of a home body that doesn’t do well with small talk and socializing. I like to read, write, run, ride, work in the garden, and just hang out at home and be. Although I do have quite a hard time sitting still. I am a doer, just not a big talker.
However, in life we do not always get to do what we selfishly want. I have learned art of compromise to participate more and be a part of. I have learned to be gentler on myself and others. I have learned to accept myself and others. Of course I revert, I am only human, but the question I posed in the opening is still top of mind; can I go the distance? Only time will tell. All I can do is my best, one day at a time.
Talk Soon,
Kevin W @LEAP272
Owner-Operator
You have to leap if you want to live
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