“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.”- Soren Kierkegaard
So I’ve been thinking…I know, those are not always the best words to hear right?
“Maybe we should just be friends”
“That you are just not quite cut out for this job”
“You don’t have the skills needed to make the team”
“That…”
But, I’ve been thinking because I left off last time saying I had some thinking to do. I like to do what I say I’m going to do. I had presented questions about my new “role”. My new position in the hierarchy of the family. The role of the head of the family. That sounds so old world. Like I have turned back time a few decades or centuries or I have inherited the seat as boss of a crime family.
I am simply saying that I am now the eldest male in the family. I realize it’s 2019 as I write this, but these thoughts are taking up space in my head. Does this mean anything? Is there a “role” and a “responsibility”? Why do these thoughts even come up in such an advanced society? Maybe it’s simply part of the male chemistry, woven into the fabric of the male DNA. An intrinsic component of our natural instincts.
Then again, maybe it’s just part of my grieving process. Whatever the reason, they are there and I need to ask and answer…
Am I to be the rock, the foundation, the protector, the provider, the strong, and the courageous? Or am I just over thinking everything?
I guess I just don’t know. Am I even allowed to say that now? Aren’t I now supposed to be the one who knows? The one with the answers? The man with the plan? Well, I did say it, and I don’t know, because I have never lost my dad before. Maybe I have lost my dad in some sense in the past, but that can be a story for another time.
Maybe I am just over thinking it. Maybe it really doesn’t mean anything at all. Except that I no longer have a dad. My two sisters and I are adults and they are older, after all. We are on our own and independent. I am married with kids of my own. But for whatever reason, I just can’t shake these thoughts. Maybe it a defense mechanism to mitigate the grief. Maybe it’s reaching for significance. Maybe it’s because we had such strong family unit. Maybe it’s because he did so much for us and I just want to do the same.
For now, maybe the best way to start is to simply reflect. Remember what his role was in our family. Remember what he did for us. Remember what he did for me and just…
Remember…
Him.
I guess I have some reflecting to do…
Talk Soon,
Kevin W @LEAP272
Owner-Operator
You have to leap if you want to live
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