It has now been 1 year. I am amazed at how fast times goes by and how slow the heart can be to heal. I started writing this the day my dad died to help process and document what I was experiencing. I wasn’t sure if I would ever publicly share it but this might help the healing; my own and maybe a random viewer experiencing the same. Miss you dad…
“I had a dad
Big and strong
I turned around
I found my daddy gone
He was the one
Made me what I am today
It’s up to me now
My daddy has gone away
– Perry Farrell, Janes Addiction
And then, reality set it.
It’s over, done.
My fear turned reality.
My head pounding…
My throat constricting…
My stomach churning…
My eyes swelling…
My skin burning…
My heart aching…
My mind disbelieving…
My Dad has died.
Just because I deny it, doesn’t mean it ain’t so. “Ain’t ain’t a word” my dead grandmothers words race through my head. I can tuck everything away in the darkest corners of my mind; Safe and protected, trapped under lock and key in my mind.
Scattered thoughts and random memories.
Like those of my dead grandmother.
Tools to protect the buried reality I don’t want to face.
The mind is so powerful. We have the power to make things disappear as if they never happened. We don’t like something? Shuttle it down to the depth of the forgotten corners of our mind.
Starting to sound familiar? It should, I used the same intro on another post. No, I’m not being lazy, it just fit so well. The other series was all about denial. Denial in all areas, not just a specific situation like this. This series, as I am sure you gather from the title, is about my dad.
I am writing this in the midst of it all; the grieving, the learning, the mourning, the acceptance, the sadness, the memories, all of it. It’s written from the raw emotions and unfiltered thoughts. It is all that I have and am experiencing as I walk through this. As I crawl through this and try to make sense of it all. To find the lessons, find the gratitude, find the silver linings. I try hard because the reality is I’d rather curl up in a ball, and just escape it all.
I write instead because I know better. I know to bury this deep and let it steep would poison my soul. Worst yet, it would torture my father’s soul who has earned his freedom from this life. That I could not… That I cannot bear.
So, I must face the fact, accept the truth. I’ve always been told, “You don’t have to like the truth.” I don’t, I don’t at all. I hate the truth in this moment…
I don’t want to had a dad…
I want to have a dad.
Talk Soon,
Kevin W @LEAP272
Owner-Operator
You have to leap if you want to live
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